Harry Potter and the Gingrichian Flack

Voldemort sent out his minions to do his bidding. The Death Eaters cannot tolerate threats from muggles and mud-bloods who might disrupt their magical world.

The wandfight started when the magicians sensed weakness. They cast their spells timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the Slytherin alumni party list unloaded their entire grimoire, abracadabring without taking aim their Distortianus and Obfuscatum Maximi. Now they are left exposed by their robes and their wizard hats.

But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser wizard could not have survived the first few minutes of the incantation.

But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Harry Potter, once again ready to lead those who won’t be intimated by the magicking elite and are ready to take on the challenges Hogwarts faces.

Actual PR from Newt Gingrich’s press secretary. I may have changed a few of the words.